All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

To update my readers (*cough* Guys? ....Hello? Anybody here?):

1. I'm growing out my bangs.
2. I decided that I love school because I have the coolest friends in the world.
3. I'm still single.

Inexcusably, horrifyingly single. Heck, it seems like we all are! What's with this world?

Because I'm feeling strangely analytical today, and perhaps I need some stability in my life, I'd like to take some time to offer a few equations:

T α 1/D

T= Time left in junior year

D= Desperation

T α Rf

T= Amount of MicroFoaming Toothpaste used

Rf= Rabies Factor: How much you look like you have rabies

M α H

(This one's only for a select few. H ≠ Hannah, or Hollberg. Never fear.)

Oh the irony (this one goes out to Françoise) that I'm making mathematical equations here. Seeing as in math today... Yeah. My hands are still shaking.

I may still be single, but at least I have guy friends. Phew! And I'm lucky enough to get to go to Junior Prom with the coolest one on Saturday -- thanks, Evan! I'm super excited.

Sometimes, I'm kind of a tool.

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure of the true definition of a "tool," but it's been used lavishly around me recently and my mind is pretty hooked on it. Best to get it out.

I have this brain-mouth thing that doesn't always work. Honestly, it hardly works. I have doubts. You just have to realize that sometimes I'm going to say something that I don't mean, or makes me look like a fool, etc. I don't try to, I swear. It just happens. I am so, so very sorry.

On a similar note, after I get my wisdom teeth out here in a few weeks, I'm going to lock myself in my room for the following 3 days. Having seen the after effects on someone else, I don't wish to burden society like that. I'm sure that I'll be even more high and crazy and destructive. This is what I'm going to print out and put on my door:

HANNAH.

YOU ARE HIGH.

YOU ARE MEAN.

DO NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM.

DO NOT TOUCH YOUR PHONE.

YOUR FACEBOOK PASSWORD HAS BEEN CHANGED.

SINCERELY,

NORMAL HANNAH.

But really, to those of you I have said something insensitive to, been sarcastic to, made fun of, etc. I am truly sorry. My thought process is broken. My brain has been hiding from me. I didn't mean it. I'm not thinking of a specific instance here, but I have to say that it's been a reoccuring instance. Please, ignore me.

What do I need?

If you're bored, and possibly procrastinating (hey, I guessed right!) you may want to try this. Go to Google and type in your name + needs.

Example: "Hannah needs "

Well Google, what do I need? Here are my top 15 favorites, not in any particular order.

1. Hannah needs to freely explore her world.
2. Hannah needs a farm visit.
3. Hannah needs a Foster home.
4. Hannah needs a good break.
5. Hannah needs Roomies! (Actual inflection)
6. Hannah needs a photo of a Marine Corps dress, blue buttons. (Oddly specific)
7. Hannah needs food, walks, and a steady supply of tail-scratches.
8. Hannah needs a hug.
9. Hannah needs some alone time.
10. Hannah needs $3 million.
11. Hannah needs your money.
12. Hannah needs some sensitivity training.
13. Hannah needs to die off or something.
14. Hannah needs to tan.
15. Hannah needs to be loved.

Isn't that pathetically revealing? I thought so. Apparently I need to open up to the world (perhaps through a farm visit), be more sensitive. Then and then I can be tan, loved, and rich! If that doesn't work, I just need to die off or something.

This is almost as funny as the controversial Google Suggest. I suggest that you try it. I've even set another one up for you about the human race! Just click on *Update*.

Through this experience I have not only learned that a surprising number of Hannahs are Jewish, but that if people actually took Google's advice, we would be a very bewildered, uncertain people with few/no philosophical values.