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Monday, May 18, 2009

Me? Nerd? Seriously?

Yeah, okay. I guess I'll allow that one. I'm a nerd. After all, I am the one out of my friends who can write in HTML, make my own websites, who fixes other's computers. It's in my blood. My brothers are computer programmers (even though Hamilton is a sk8Tr too, weird mix.) and I hope to go into graphic design or computer advertising, or even web design. One girl yesterday actually demanded to find out why I was so "good at drawing in Microsoft Paint."

????

But do I see myself truly as a nerd? No. I see myself as...me. Au naturale. Complete. But, it's strange how perspective plays a seperate role in everyone's life. Each brain thinks in it's own unique way, and sees in it's own different patterns. It's practically untraceable (weird to say that out loud), the rate that people think. It really amazes me how our thoughts are somehow immediately linked to others. I have no idea how to describe what I mean, (another weird brain thing) so I'll switch subjects.

But yes, perspective.

A friend put in nicely one day a few months ago--she probably doesn't remember this--but maybe it's a hidden blessing sometimes that I get grounded to my house so often (another LONG story to tell. I swear my mom can be quite tempermental at times. It's not my fault!!!) because in the time that people can spend socializing, I continue to move forward. My brain whizzes and whirrs contemplating not only music and acedemics, but psychology and even politics. It really sucks sometimes, it seems like I can never turn it off for a while. But that's just my personality. That's how I think. I'm inquisitive, curious, and at times obsessive over true meanings of things.

So, maybe others see me as a bit of a nerd, while others at first glance see me as a prep (WHY??). I don't care. I'm me. There is nothing they can do. I'm proud of the hours and hours and HOURS that I read and write. And I'm proud of my talents. I'm proud of my years and years of piano, even though sometimes I say I hate it. I'm proud of me.


But as a post note--what's with the modernizing world? It seems like one day I'm in my land, then people start to latch on, act cool, and get their own websites and such. It makes me...upset sometimes. Like my own corner of "special" is being distributed around to clutchy, harried people who don't know how to use technology. Don't get me wrong! I love those people, they are great. It just...worries me. I don't know. Agh, here's an anology. I got a blog. Quite a while ago. I wanted to express myself to... virtually no one, keep a diary for myself. Look back upon what I was thinking 3 years ago. How I was feeling. People looked at me funny sometimes when I would mention a blog, or my font, or my website (I acutally wrote my first one in 6th grade. Can you believe that? I did it the hard way, too. My brother hosted it on his server for a while, he was so nice...) but I wouldn't mind. I'm a mix-y person. I look like a prep (GRR.) but in another layer I'm a nerd, and in the center, I'm me. Me. Overthinking, deep, wondering me. I liked being diverse. I liked having to always leave class in elementary school to go to ELP. But, suddenly, my own diversity is snatched from me. All of my friends have blogs now. My own 'corner' now is being split. Divided. I would even go as far as to say Americanized.

But if people are slowly becoming what I thought I was, who am I anymore?

5 Love Notes:

Probably Not said...

Extra creepy. It's almost like I could've written that. In other words, I know exactly what you mean.

Emily said...

First of all - you get grounded because you have attitude, and that attitude makes you be a snot-bag sometimes.

Second - Don't worry, as the world grows and changes, so will you, whether you realize it or not. There will be other things for you to find your individuality in, like websites, that other people don't know how to do. Besides, change is GOOD! What are we without being able to learn and grow and change who we are if we don't like the person we've become??

Max wants me to tell you "Have a great day!" :)

Hannah said...

I call it intelligence, Emily.

Gracie said...

dear hannah, i love you so much. you are you, and i love that, because you have come to peice with who you are. i hope to grow up and be like you someday :) if i ever call you a nerd, i mean it in a very nice way, a teasing way.. and i am sorry if me having a blog upsets you. i didnt mean to copy you or anything, i just think its fun, i dont know, but i always love reading yours.. every new post i'm like "yum!"
talk to me k?
<3

A FRIEND said...

Dear Hannah,

Interesting. You are right, your brain does work in a different way than others. However you are also not right. Everybodys brain works differently than everybody else's brain. It's what makes us human. Whenever you are feeling like you are a "freak" "nerd" or "prep" just remember, that is what makes you special, but it is also what makes you the same.